♥

2012-01-02T01:16:00.000+08:00

Goodbye 2011,

Hello 2012.

Dear readers, it has been some time since i've sat down to think and reflect on my life. Just gonna pen down some thoughts now, and will keep it short and sweet. I've been busy with work and im proud to say that im a month old on the job already, with zero mc/leave or whatsoever. My body clock has been adjusted back to that of a normal person, and i have cut down on the drinking and partying, not having late nights all the time already. I do hope that i would be able to keep up with this gusto that i have now and yes, lead an absolutely normal life.

The previous year i had a long list to my new year resolutions, and after re-reading them, i realize that not even the minority was accomplished. So this year i shall not be greedy, and i will just ask for one thing - I want to be happy. Yeah, that's it. Photos will be uploaded very soon when i have the time and prolly when im not lazy. There's too many to upload so yahhh, wait a lil.

In a nutshell, 2011 had been fucking awful and torturous. My life has never been so pathetic, depressing and meaningless ever before. I wouldnt spare the time and effort to explain again in detail what exactly made my life a shithole. I must say that after having gone through so much, my faith in God has increased pretty much and am thankful that ive made it through the rain. People say that when you lose something, you'll gain something. True enough, i have lost someone but have gained another. Comparisons need not be made, time will prove everything.

To You; I just wanna say, thank you for leaving me. Beyond the sadness and pain, you taught me a life lesson. I grew up. Im no longer the sweet young innocent little girl who is so fragile and weak. Im so much stronger now, and my life has been a complete change. You once made me the happiest girl and one that every other would envy. Thank you for every single thing, i know that you're happy now, and have found someone better. Now, i think it's my turn to be happy too. Let's both keep the memories etched at the back of our minds. I know it's time for me to let go and move on.

& to my dearest Boyfriend, i know how hard it has been on you for the past few months, and i know sorry doesnt amount to anything. Thank you for accepting me at my worst, showing me the care and concern that i do not deserve. I appreciate every little thing you have done for me, and somehow i feel that ive taken you for granted, thinking that you'll always be there no matter what happens and how i treat you. But it has also struck me that no matter how much you love me you might still get tired one day and leave. I dont wanna make the same mistake again, i dont want history to repeat itself, i dont wanna regret again. Everything you've said and promised me, i hope you'll walk the talk and not let me down. And i promise you, that i'll give my all and make things work out for us. Though we had a rocky start, im sure as time goes by we'll get better and better. Have faith in us.

I hope that this new year would be a much better year, and may all the unhappiness caused in 2011 be gone like the year itself.
Happy new year everyone(:

2011-12-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

First week has passed since i started working.
Well i havent exactly been working as a teller yet, there's training programmes every single day for a month till i officially sit at the counter.
Good thing about the training is that they feed us well everyday with yummy breakfast and teabreak, and we still get paid our salary.
Bad thing is, there are tests everydayyy and we have to pass the tests in order to advance to the next module.
But, studying and doing well isnt a problem for Yours Truly^^

Turning in very early now, and so far i havent been dragging my feet to work.
That's a good sign, but i hope that i can keep up with this gusto now for the many months to come.

On a side note, i've started my DIET PLAN already, and it seems to be working cos i've managed to slim down a teeeny weeeeeny bit.
Thanks to Boyfriend who bought Reduze pills for me, and myself especially for curbing my cravings for food.
Im happy. There's improvement.(:

Starting another week of tiring work again tomorrow, paying attention to lessons and concentrating on the hands-on exercises given.
Praying hard that the week would be good !
Woots~
Pictures from the last 2 weeks, w/o makeup.

When i woke up and saw my favourite boy sleeping on the floor. (L)

ISNT THIS EFFING KEWTTTTT?!?!!! <3

2011-11-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

So my days of slacking are soon to be over; maybe a little too soon.
I have been eating well and sleeping well, and ive definitely put on a fair bit of weight.
Partying, shopping, holiday, and every other forms of enjoyment you can think of - you name it.
I've been there, and done that.

Today marks the second last night of my carefree and somewhat lazy lifestyle.
Yours Truly will be commencing work from Monday, 28th November 2011 onwards.
Weeks of training before i actually get to sit at the counter and start being a bank teller.
Excited much, but dreadful in a way that i've to sleep early and wake up early everyday again.

Routine life, here me come~ !

Red contacts, im Team Edward!!!

Okay, i've saved the best for the last.

Early Christmas prezzie from daddy!

I LOVEEEEEEE IT (:

2011-11-02T02:24:00.000+08:00

Im oh-so excited to get my new job started, which im gonna commence on the 28th of November.
Approximately 3 more weeks of fun before i start my routine life again - Forcing myself to wake up early in the morning, dragging my lazy self to work, yawning through the working hours, and finally hitting the sacks as soon as i reach home.
Yes, and the cycle repeats on until either i start taking weekly mcs or the bank decides to terminate me, whooops.

So life has been alright for me, not much of being awesome but at least things are getting back on track, i suppose(not?).
Recently somebody told me, "You'll never find the right person, if you never let go of the wrong one."
This got me thinking.
I have been so stuck in a quicksand for the past 9 months, and the only things that have been keeping my head above the mud are the helping hands of my dearest friends, who are trying so hard to walk through the hard times with me.
I havent for once struggled or attempted to push myself out of it, i havent put in much effort.
I will definitely get out, with determination and the continuous support of those who care.
I dont wanna continue sinking deeper, i wanna live again.

When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story.
Everyone has gone through something that has changed them.
Dont judge when you dont know what a person has gone through, everyone has different limits.
& i've given my broken relationship a serious thought.
Why still hope for the impossible and live miserably in the past?
Why not cherish and keep the precious memories close to my heart, and end things when they're most beautiful, instead of dragging on and having the risk of spoiling the good impression that we both gave to each other?
No point bickering over who's at fault, or why things ended up like this, or what we could have done to salvage the relationship.
Let's put an end to all these laments.
What matters most of all, is that what we felt was true and what we had was real.
Memories are such weird things, yet so remarkable.
Some will be forgotten after time passes, and however hard you try to recall you can never gather them again.
And you know some will stay with you, in perfect detail, for the rest of your life. ∞

To my Sheepy Boyfriend,
Time heals everything, proves everything, and shows everything.
I promise you i'll try hard, both for you and for myself.
Do you think our love, can take us away together?
Dont be afraid, or get insecure, for it'll only cause more mistrust and unnecessary arguments, which would further lead to irritation, exhaustion and destruction.
I think our love can do anything we want it to.♥

Photos from since i last blogged.

Horrendous i know.

2011-10-19T23:55:00.002+08:00

I need help.
Like maybe professional help; a psychiatrist or something.

I FEEL HUNGRY ALL THE TIME.
No matter how much i've eaten my tummy still growls after awhile.
Im putting on weight every single day !!!

To much dismay, Yours Truly is gobbling down a bowl of instant noodles as im blogging this.
Old habits die hard.
Once an eater, always an eater.

FML.

2011-10-17T23:42:00.001+08:00

Seems like forever since I last came here with thoughts and emotions running through my head.

The slow replies vanished into silent guilt, remembrance; unforgotten, yet unmentioned. I am sorry.
The past few months have been… crazy, to say the least.
Being caught in a whirlpool of moving, new places, new faces, new friends, holding on to what I could, new life, and everything else.

But you know how every now and then life quietly sneaks up to you and you realize that its time to slow down a little, just relax and enjoy the ride?

I have shifted back home and am trying to get used to life back in Town again.
Unfamiliar, but not forsaken.
Things might just fall into place if i allow them to.

Am currently taking a short break and Yours Truly has secured a job at UOB Bank as a bank teller, and im starting work in late November, after i've come back from my holiday to Taiwan with my relatives.
Yeap, slacking my life away now till i start work.

Welcoming someone new into my life, im not expecting anything but i pray that our journey would be a smooth-sailing one.
We shall do away with all the sweet nothings and puppylove-like behaviour.
I just hope that you would prove me wrong, and let me know you're not all the same.

Most importantly, thank God for everything, be them good or bad, sweet or bitter.(:

Photos from the past few weeks, i swear those arms and thighs are gonna kill me one fine day.
& oh, did i mention, look at that double chin ohmygawddd *faints*

You know I know.

2011-10-07T01:56:00.001+08:00

The only one that makes my heart flutter<3

2011-10-03T15:01:00.000+08:00

Not been having enough time to sit down to pen down my thoughts.
Finally a day off from everything, and have some time alone.
It's been almost 8 months, i guess i am getting better, though still trying to accept the fact that some things are not meant to be.

Everything happens for a reason.
People change so that we learn to let go.
Things go wrong so we can learn to appreciate them when they are right.
You believe less so eventually you only trust no one but yourself.
And most importantly, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I'm trying my hardest not to break and become weaker than i already am.
I'm trying to hold onto the last bit of sanity i have left deep within myself and finally take a stance to catch onto a grip of reasoning behind this predicament.
I promise you, i am trying my utmost best to overcome this.
It is hard, but not impossible.
I can do this.

Photos from September, in random order.
The rest up on fb.
:D :DDD

Seeing you all so happy makes me smile from within.

Happy birthday, Auntie(:

I keep myself busy with things to do but everytime i pause, i still think of you.

Dear brain, sorry for overloading you with thoughts of him.

Dear tummy, sorry for all the butterflies.

Dear pillow, sorry for all the tears.

Dear body, sorry for al the piercings and inkings.

Dear heart, sorry for all the damage.

I think, that i love you enough to let you go.

Time we both move on, Babysiddy.^^

2011-09-30T00:38:00.001+08:00

Nothing excites me more than this now.

2011-09-28T00:12:00.002+08:00

Will blog a proper post soon! Till then~ (:

2011-09-22T15:37:00.001+08:00

Test test, blogging from my phone(:

2011-09-19T14:16:00.001+08:00

Hello everybirdy, im so fat i've hit 50kg._.
Somebodeh, helppppppppp~ ! ):

2011-09-16T15:39:00.012+08:00

I have been sick for a week plus, feverish all the time, catching the flu, and non-stop coughing.
Food hasnt tasted good since then cos my taste buds aint working, and this sucks.
Bad luck has come my way, and things havent been going well for me at all, grrrrr.

Shall not disclose much here, sigh.

Okay, pictures from the 20th of august, kbox with peacies.
few hours just before the accident.

2011-09-09T23:15:00.001+08:00

It was 11:11 just now.

Was it you, Baby? ),:

2011-09-04T20:58:00.002+08:00

Busybusy days have passed, and Yours Truly went to USS with Renice yesterday to unwind.
Yes, laugh at me all you want, it's my virgin trip there, lag i know.
Had pretty much fun there, the weather was superb, and there was NO QUEUE.
It'll be some time before i make my way down there again, cos i've just burnt a big hole in my pocket.
Rah.

My feet were breaking due to my stupidness, cos i wore heels the entire day.
Shag much.
Then had a very sumptuous dinner at Harbourfront Centre's Sakae Sushi, with my favourite Chicken Katsu Cheeseeee(:
Was to take piccas but the camera died on us.
Sad.

Okay, due to time constraint this would be all.
Pictures taken a day before my 19th with Peacies would be uploaded the next time i blog.
(:

This necklace has been hanging around my neck, kept close to my heart since the 29th of May last year.

And on that very day i met with the accident 3 weeks ago, the key dropped out from what was designed never to be detached; the exact same time you failed me the most.

I lost the key, and also you, when the dreadful accident happened.

It may be fated that the key got lost, God is showing me the way already.

Not the most profound way i can put this, but definitely heartfelt.

I hope you can feel my emotions as you read this.
The song 'Good Things' will always remind me of you and what we shared. No other song can come close to letting us relate.

Since you've made a choice, i should graciously accept and respect your decision.

Knowing you're in good hands, there's nothing else i can ask for but to give you my blessings.
I sincerely hope that things would go your way and that you would always be happy.

Every ending is a door to a new beginning.

I never did regret having to know you, even though you turned out to be yet another jerk in the end.

All the lies, promises, pain, disappointments - i will force myself to recall all the horrible scenarios should i have the urge to talk to you again, so that i will mentally collapse and keep my itchy fingers away from the phone.

For now, take care and all the best, till we meet again someday...

It was good while it lasted.

P.S. If you're reading this, i updated ttmd too.

2011-08-30T23:02:00.000+08:00

Things turned out much better than i had expected them to be, however there is still this uneasy feeling deep within me which cannot be explained by words alone.

People come and go - this is what i learnt, and a lesson which i'll never forget, only hoping that i wouldnt fall into the same pit again.
Making a mistake once is forgivable, but repeating it is stupid, and unpardonable.
So in a way, all the misery and emotional torture is somewhat caused by me and me myself.
Thoughts can be controlled, it's all in the mind.
It's hard, but not impossible.
Strive hard, dont give up.
It'll all get better in time.

You're the one who is cruel, dont say stuff like im heartless or whatever.
Dont forget, i did everything none other would have done.
You'll come to regret all your actions in time to come im sure.
Just, find your way into anywhere else but in my arms again.
This is the greatest favour you can grant me now.

I should fucking stop speculating.
Like seriously.

2011-08-26T17:23:00.000+08:00

So Yours Truly has turned 19, and it wasnt exactly an enjoyable birthday.
Trouble after misfortune, drama after trouble.
3 events happened one after another consecutively, im amazed that im still alive and kicking._.
This year has been so awful from the start.
I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that as soon as all the bad luck come and go, good times would be here to stay.

In the midst of summing up the numbers now, shall post a proper update as soon as the weekends arrive.
Gonna chill and stop partying for some days, it's time to let my exhausted self gather some rest.

Self-declared a break from home.
This might not be the best, but it's definitely for the better. At least in the short run.
Understand that i have my reasons, but if you dont, respect my decision.

I saw how blissful and loving you look. You are happy, and this alone comforts me.

2011-08-19T16:14:00.000+08:00

Hi peeps.
It's Fridayyyyyy !
Gee, i heart fridays cos they mark the start of weekends. (which means p-p-p-p-partyyyy!)
Drink drank drunk every week for half a year already, i think my tolerance level is much higher now, gah gah gahs.

Life has been pretty mundane, i need some excitementttt.
Not getting enough sleep and causing myself to be so moody and grouchy all the time.
Backaches have surfaced, prolly due to sitting in front of the computer screen for hoursss everyday.

On a side note, I FRIGGING OBTAINED MY DRIVING LICENSE !
Thank you for taking leave to be there, even when there wasnt a need.
It helped, thanks for the support and motivation.
For now, im happy that you're happy.
You're gonna be just fine.(,:

2011-08-17T23:06:00.002+08:00

I FEEL HORRIBLE.

A, i updated ttmd.

2011-08-14T22:46:00.000+08:00

People say that bad memories break us, but actually it's the good times that kill.

2011-08-10T23:28:00.000+08:00

Today was by far my worst day at work - Waking up from the wrong side of bed, alighting at the wrong bus stop, feeling all dull and moody, doing costing calculations that can never seem to tally, making me all irritated, and having flashbacks which hit me again and again, leaving me feeling so distraught.
I wonder to myself repeatedly, why am i still so darn affected by the slightest things that shouldnt be my concern anymore? i've been trying so hard not to mind but it just keeps hounding me. This is getting so mentally exhausting it may prove too much for me to handle i might just collapse anytime.

There's only two things on my mind now, that is to know what the fuck i really want and what's best for myself.
Enough of sparing thoughts for others because kindness will only be taken for granted.
And being nice does not bring any benefit to me, for i'll only get hurt.

Last and final driving practical lesson just now, and i still got everything wrong.
Hopefully i'll be able to focus and be mentally prepared for the exam on Friday morning.
Motivation much needed, but i shant place any hopes lest i get disappointed and screw uppp. :/
Time has been crawling at snail's pace, i cant wait for this horrible day to be over.
Realised i havent been myself at all for the entire day, it must be one of those dreadful mood swings. Bahhhh !

I remember it all. I remember what shirts you wore, i remember the first text you sent to me. I remember your laughter, your smell, i remember the exact day of our first date. I remember every feeling i felt, i remember all the hopes i had, I remember everything i gave up. I remember how my life changed, i remember the things you said, I remember the first time you whispered those three words. I remember your shy smile, the way you played with my hair, the way you held me so tight I couldn’t breathe but i loved it more than anything else. I remember our first kiss, i remember the way your face stuck so close to mine, i remember the way my fingers fit so perfectly into yours. I remember everything about you; your perfect hair and your gorgeous face and the way you could never do anything wrong.

But I also remember the last day, the last faithfulness, the last happiness. I remember all the tears I cried, i remember feeling worthless, i remember waiting by my phone for the text that never came. I remember the lack of explanation, i remember being shoved away like I never meant anything to you at all. I remember feeling used and broken and like nobody understood, especially not you. I remember wondering how you could know everything about me, how I could give you every single piece of me and still not be enough for you. I remember each thing that made me smile, and each thing that made me cry. I remember thinking about you, dreaming about you, and wishing for you. I remember believing with all my heart that it would happen, expecting forever, and having my forever cut short. I remember drifting away from you, and drifting back to this relationship we like to call a friendship.

But you and me, we can never be friends. There’s always been something more in the way we look at each other, and you know it. So here I am, looking at you, feeling all the emotions i’ve always felt when i look at you. I know we can never have back what we had before, but maybe we can start something new. With tears welled up in my eyes, i recall each and every single thing that made You, that made Me, that made Us. I love you. And I remember. Now tell me you remember, too?

2011-08-05T11:01:00.000+08:00

Thank God It's Fridayyyyy, at last. :*
I finally went to work everyday for a week now, i feel kinda accomplished.
Work has been a little slacker for me, now that's a tiny privilege for me to enjoy till i get stripped off of it in another week's time.
And especially when it's nearing the end of the month, i would be so busy doing calculation and issueing cheques at breakneck speed, rushing for the deadline if not the workers would go on strike.
Pressurizing and tiring as it is, i enjoy going to work, i feel comfortable around my colleagues and time passes fast for me.(:

Weekends are most looked forward to, and hopefully time wouldnt pass in a flash.
Today is a good day, and i thank God for this.(:

&&& i saw this, hilarious yet true.

I'm definitely a Number 4. ^^

But....

Sigh.

2011-08-02T16:02:00.000+08:00

Currently taking a break from my work, finally completing the somewhat endless tasks given since the day i stepped into the company.
Great system, awesome colleagues, enjoyable lunchtimes. (:
Though the work is stressful and pressurising,
This weekend should be great, and holiday's next tuesday but there is no anticipation at all, i wonder why.
Prolly due to the mix of crazy feelings and moods, the dragging of myself out of bed every morning, facing the computer screen all 8 hours of the day, and then planning programmes after work, only to return home exhausted.
It's become a routine; what i had been wanting since months ago.
But i never knew it could be so tiring and life-draining.
Sighhhhhh.

I want to fill up the emptiness in me, i want to be happyyyyyyyyyy.

2011-07-31T21:57:00.000+08:00

Me spent the weekends a lil differently from the past months.
Did much thinking over the same stuff, disappointed over the same things.
My puny brain is infected with both truth and lies to myself.
If, if, if, i finally make up my mind, i hope you would let me have my way.
Dont say im heartless, for you're worse.
I already did everything i can.
Every single fucking thing none other would've done.
Thank you for the plugs, im being reminded of you more everyday now.

Too much food.
Too much booze.
Too much drama.
Too much emotions.
Too much for me to swallow down.
*Huge sigh*

Yours Truly is unacceptably F A T now, and i've really set my mind to losing weight.
This time, im seriousssssss. Very extremely serious.
Plus, i cut off my miserable, spoilt hair.
So yeah, my hair is short again.
Short, short, short.
Makes my face look even rounder. ):

Pictures for the month of July,

OMG SNORLAXXXX ! SO CUTE, I WANT I WANT !!!

2011-07-28T11:11:00.000+08:00

One day you're gonna miss me like how i miss you.
One day you're gonna cry for me like how i cry for you.
One day you're gonna want me back like how i want you back.
But when the day comes that i walk away, don't regret and come back to me.
Because by then it'll be too late.
You won't be worthy anymore.

This.
Would be the very last shot im giving.
If you dont want me,
LET ME GO.

Please.

2011-07-25T17:09:00.000+08:00

My thoughts are driving me crazy yet again.
Im sick of all the pointless drama, i hate being stuck in between, knowing once i've made a choice im gonna lose one party(ies).
But above all these, what i dread most is knowing what my decision will be, yet not knowing what to do because it'll prove disappointment and hurt.

Most things don't last forever, but some things do.
Like a good song, or a pleasant memory, which nothing done can change it.
Unfolding it during darkest times, pressing down the corners and peering it close, hoping i still recognise the persons i see there.
Most things have changed, but some remain, like the smiles which appear on our faces when the early chapters surface in our minds.

Have you wondered why we never fail brood over the same subjects, reminiscing the past almost every time we talk?

2011-07-24T13:15:00.001+08:00

I need to get away from this struggle.
I feel suffocated i cannot breath.
I want to escape, so please leave me alone.
I need time, just awhile, to straighten my thoughts and be normal again.

I know you've changed, but i didnt know it was to this extreme.
Mark your words.
Still, comforted that you're happy and please dont forget to prayyy.

2011-07-19T08:32:00.000+08:00

Sorry doesn't mean anything.
Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.

I dont know why even after so much, im still holding onto the love that doesnt exist anymore,
im still hoping for something that would never happen again.

When will i even start to think of a better tomrrow for myself?

2011-07-15T13:51:00.000+08:00

Love is an acceptance from all our imperfections.
When you lose someone you love you change in one of two ways;
You either become bitter or better.

& i've become a third option - A piece of junk.

Baby should i find someone new so you would sing this to me again?

2011-07-14T23:44:00.000+08:00

Why does it even bother you if you're so confident of your feelings?
Your behaviour goes to show that you dont even know if you've made the right decision.
Giving people attitude will only let it seem how petty and childish you are.
Don't say one thing and your actions show differently.
Go and think about why you get so uptight about my stuff.
You cant lie to yourself.
I know im not exactly much of a mature person either, but at least im not fickle-minded and i stick to what i believe.
If you think im talking about you, then it's you.

2011-07-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

Exactly a week since i took a break, it's time to be serious and work hard already.
Was supposed to be back at my workplace facing the computer and endless numbers, but the lazy bones in me acted up again so i feigned my sickness and skipped work today.
Spent my day at Bishan, and then had dinner at Woodlands.
Home early.

But what if, a certain somebody doesnt even care for the second chance?

2011-07-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

Been a few days since i had a proper update.
Yours Truly has started working since a fortnight ago, and the first week had been really busy.
Then i flew to Hongkong with four of my guy friends for a short holiday.
Now that im home, it's back to heaps and piles of unfinished work, and i prolly have to stay back for overtime this coming week.
Had too much of booze yesterday night and ended up drunk like a helpless soul again.
Meetup seesions with the Homies and more driving lessons this week.
Im so gonna be drained out, but thats what i want most now.

I kinda got an answer already, and with much regret, things didnt turn out like what i hoped for them to be.
Maybe God has other plans for me, but still, im thankful that you came into my life.
Although we arent meant to be, at least we were once happy together, and shared many memories.
You can say sorry a million times, say you love me as much as you want, return and leave whenever you want. But if you're not gonna prove that the things you say are true, then dont say anything at all. Because if you cant show it, your words dont mean a thing.
Sad to say, your love, is worthless.
Your feelings for me would fade in no time, but im asking that you dont forget me, and i would feel really contented if i'd cross your mind sometimes.
It's time for me to leave you, i wish for you to be happy and lucky always.
Goodbye my Love, goodbye for good...

Hongkong trip, 5th-8th July.
Disneyland on the first day, and it was rather disappointing cos i expected there to have more thrillers and rides, but no.
Stayed at Disneyland Hollywood Hotel on the first night, then transferred to Park Hotel in Tsim Sha Tsui.
Only the best for the Queen and her knights.(Y)
So it was a free and easy tour for us, we planned the schedules and travelled around to different areas by ourselves.
Besides shopping, it was food food and more food.
I've put on a fair amount of weight cos my mouth hasnt had an ounce of rest.
Living up to my title, the amount of money i brought over didnt suffice, and was wiped out by the second day.
And my poor knights had to be my ATM machines for the next two days.
Im so gonna save uppppp, gonna head back to Hongkong in a few months' time to splurge on my favourite luxury items.

Photos from the trip, the rest up on Facebook.

2011-07-08T23:17:00.001+08:00

Over-spend.
Over-eat.

2011-06-30T09:30:00.008+08:00

To My Dearest BabySiddy with Love,

Today is supposedly a special day for the both of us, but the sad thing is, it has kinda lost its meaning.
Thinking back, i remembered how happy we were together, and those thoughts bring a genuine smile to my face.
Then i realize in that instant, things have changed, and i start being sad all over again.

Dont you miss the times, when you would wait hours for me to knock off from work, when you do the silliest things to make me laugh, when we would spend the nights chatting until either of us fell asleep on the phone, when we would sit along train platforms waiting for the next trains, when we would rush to make sure you were home on time.
Going through good times together like your graduation and enlistment, and tough ones when you lost your friend, and when you almost got into hot soup.
Whenever i needed company and encouragement, you would always be there too.

At your place i would wear your huge shirt which could cover my whole body, we would go marketing together to buy all the yummy ingredients needed for our home-cooked meals, sometimes scrimping and saving, only eating instant noodles when we were both broke from over-spending.
I would always marvel at the fact how coincidental our taste buds could be, having somewhat similar likings and cravings.
You would be able to read my mind, and your text or call would come in whenever i wished for you, it was like a mutual mental telepathy.
I miss all the joy and fun we had, not forgetting the little squabbles in between.

It's a shame how much more we could have done to make things work out.
If there is any chance for us to start over, be it a happy ending or yet another terrible outcome, i'd still want to try again.
Why im so determined to keep this is because i dont wanna let you pass me by as i know for sure, that if no effort is made, i would definitely regret in time to come.
For all the uncertainties and ridiculous emotional changes, it's just me not knowing how to put everything down and move on.
And if there is anything i could change, it would be for a much different, happier outcome for us.
Thank you for 365 days of laughter and tears, you're the most special Martian i've ever met.

A, you will always be.

Happy 1st.

30o611♥;

2011-06-28T14:27:00.000+08:00

Okay i was feeling really lethargic at work a while ago, but i just freshened up after catching a quick nap.
Work yesterday has been tiring, which proves how long this brain of mine has been inactive.
Skipped lunch for my sleep and now im feeling so faint and hungry.

Sigh, things are getting more and more complicated.
I want things to be normal again so damn badly!
Still, i believe that time will prove everything.

First attempt using Paint to draw this, i think there's still some resemblance.
You know who you are, imy.

2011-06-27T23:28:00.000+08:00

Hi Earthlings, i had a good day today.
Shall keep this post short and sweet.

First day of work, i learnt quite a few things, and my colleagues are overall quite nice.
I think i would be able to adapt to my new environment very soon.
The day started off well because of an energy booster(L), and it did help motivate me alot.
Dinner was great, with awesome company.
Driving lesson aftermath, and Yours Truly cabbed home.
Now preparing for bed, my eyes are shutting already.

Tomorrow shall be another busy, long and tiring day.

& i hope i would be able to get at least some answers... (Sigh)

2011-06-26T21:41:00.000+08:00

This has been the one and only weekend i havent been partying since my life got tangled.
Catching up with my much needed rest, i feel a tat bit more energized than before.
Gotta start sleeping early now, i swear i look a decade older now.
Shucks.

So finally, this lazy Bitch got hired, and is officially starting work tomorrow.
I hope i would be able to pick up fast, and prove to the people that they made the right choice to hire me.
I hope my workplace wouldnt be polluted with office politics or stuff like that.
I hope the people there would be nice so i wouldnt be dragging my feet to work for the following months/years to come.
Oh wells, here's to the first baby step of my career.
Cheers.

At times when you say something to someone, be it sweet or hurtful, you may not know how great the impact would be on the person.
Don't say it, if you don't mean it.
Don't take for granted that the person who is always there for you would always be there.
It doesn't mean that when somebody understands you and can never bring him/herself to be angry at you, you can take advantage of it.
Sometimes, you might not realize how important that person is, or how much you need that person, until the moment he/she is gone.
Because by then, it would be too late for regrets.

Someone once told me, and showed me, that i could mean the world to somebody.
That somebody is him.
Through his actions, i believed him, and even up till now, even after so much happened, my trust for him has not wavered. Not even a single bit.
Humans are not perfect, and people make mistakes.
No matter how minor or grave the mistakes are, a mistake is a mistake.
There is no need for comparisons as to which is more serious.
I personally believe that everyone deserves a second chance, but not a third.
As long as the person who erred is repentant, why not?
Shit happens, and often things do not go the way we plan them to be.
If i cant accept something, i will try to change it.
If i cant change it, then i'll leave it.
Most of you may say it's utterly stupid, to keep my heart with someone who has betrayed me.
But to me, all that matters are the feelings and mutual understanding we have for each other, that nobody, not any one of you would be able to understand.
With Love, anything is possible.
It can make up for the many indifferences as long as two hearts beat as one.
Love can make up for alot.

On a side note, as long as one heart still holds on, then Hope is never really gone.
Whatever the outcome is, I'm thankful.
For the good times, and the bad.
Now it's time for some self-reflection, but the one thing that still stands,
I'd want you to be happy.

I love you most.
Dont ever for a second forget this.

Likewise for guys.
You can lie to everyone, but you cannot fool your heart.
xx.

2011-06-23T12:00:00.000+08:00

I've finally adjusted my body clock back to normal,
feeling sleepy while the nights are still young, and being in beauty slumber till the sun shines up my ass the following day.
Thus, what i have gotten from this is an ever-increasing body weight.

Been partying and drowning myself in alcohol so much im getting so tired of life like this.
And i've yet to secure myself a job, how long more am i gonna stay like that?!

You got lost, and i have been trying so hard to have you found.
The things that happened in the past week or more, do they mean the end of my nighmares and misery or are they just sneak previews of my doomsday?
*Extremely huge sigh*

But, with Faith comes Hope.
Pray and it shall be given unto me.
(:

Ily.

2011-06-21T13:57:00.000+08:00

The past week had been what i call, somewhat awesome.
Not cos things happened the way they should, but because some things which shouldnt have happened, happened.
What is going on???

How many times do we forgive someone just because we don't wanna lose that person, even though they do not deserve our forgiveness at all?
Or rather, it's me.

Why do girls require honesty in a relationship?
It's because we dont wanna live in lies.
Keep this in mind: Girls would rather choose to be dumped and know the truth, than to be cheated with lies, only to find out the truth by themselves later on.

Berlinda's 19th Birthday Celebration at Phuture, 17 June 11.

Sexy Little Things @ V-Golf Sports Bar & Club Soul, 10 June 11.

2011-06-16T12:20:00.001+08:00

Today i read about Angels and Amazement.
God put angels around us to counsel, guide, protect, minister to, rescue and care for us.
The past 4 months have been emotionally torturous, and im thankful to have family and friends who are there for me, no matter how much i've changed.
I'm grateful for the unseen ways in which all you angels have somewhat touched me.
And the more i put my Trust in God, the more amazed i would be with God's works, which i wouldnt have seen in the past.

Although i know i shouldnt, but my heart is calling for you.
Deep within this broken heart of mine, i'm still wishing that you could return and make things right again, but this time, proving to me that you're still of infinite worth.
I'll gladly stay, if you'd change for the better.
Whatever critisicm i would face, i'd still hold on, IF, only you're willing too.

There's always a possibility that a person can get attracted to another.
It's not wrong, it's human nature.
But, when you're in a commitment, you should discipline yourself.
One may get attracted to numerous prospects but it's okay, as long as you dont nurse the feeling and wont do something about it.
The borderline between Cheating and Faithfulness: Recognize the reality that you already have the person that can give you more than what you can get from the 'cheap' thrills of attraction.
& If you cannot even comply to this, then you definitely do not deserve that person.

ANDDDD,

FOR MY BOY.

2011-06-15T12:25:00.000+08:00

After thinking about my life and what i wanna do about it, i've finally made up my mind, i finally know what i want most now - My voice.
I've almost secured a job at a recuitment agency, but i've yet to settle the necessary stuff.
I need my voice back so i can call them back, and if i really get the job, it would mean: Time-passing days, busy schedules, more cash, and less thinking to do.
Been almost a week already, my sweet, lovely voice still hasnt decided to return. ):

I was finally feeling better.
My world didnt revolve around you anymore.
I stayed out and tire myself every night so i could fall into immediate slumber the moment i lay on the bed.
I could finally stop mentioning your name all the time.
I deleted your number from my phone.
I was determined that we weren't gonna cross paths anymore.
And then, you smiled at me again.

& Dont say it, unless you mean it.

2011-06-14T14:06:00.000+08:00

Folkkkks, Yours Truly had a tat bit too much of alcohol last weekend and has thus lost her voice.
Yes, like literally having high and low pitches coming out from that mouth of mine, or at times even not having any sound at all.
I've caught the fever, flu and annoying cough.

But lucky enough for me, job interview yesterday was more or less a success.
Shall go down to finalise everything again when i feel better.
Thank God for his Grace and Mercy on me ! (:

I dont know what has become of me; you; us.
I'm tired of guessing what's on that unpenetrable mind of yours.
Honesty and Faithfulness.
That's all i want simple yet you're unable to give to me.
Those cheap and dirty fun out there, are they really that important to you?
I believe im worth more than that.

So the worm has become a fat caterpillar now.
MY DIET STARTS TODAY.

For you only, the most Sickening Boy on earth.

2011-06-10T11:34:00.000+08:00

Although i had an awful bad start to the day, im sure it'll get better as the hours pass.
I've got two job interviews later on, im crossing my fingers that i'll be able to get through this time.
I really need money now, cos i've made a list of the things i want to buy and the stuff i wanna do.
I want a busy busy life, i dont want to have spare time to think about what im not supposed to think of.

The emotional blow is very hard to deal with when a relationship falls apart. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do. And if you didn’t want it to happen, it is even more painful. It seems impossible to stop thinking about him and the memories you shared together.

I miss that feeling when you go to sleep at night and when you wake up in the morning. Its the feeling that everything is all right in the world, and that the person you love is right here with you. You know that amazing feeling that you’re a whole, that you’ve got everything you want, that you aren’t missing anything. Sometimes when i wake up i get that feeling for just a moment. It lasts for the first two seconds but then when my brain starts to work i start to remember what happened, and how nothing has been the same since. Then, depression hits again -the Sadness, the Emptiness, the Longing and the Yearning.

A, i miss you so much.

2011-06-09T11:59:00.001+08:00

So i haven't been flipping through newspapers or sending in my resume for the past week.
I thought i was getting better but no, things are still the same.
I'd better get a hold of myself.
It's high time i start to move on.
No more being simple-minded or transparent.
There's no use being so nice to people when everyone out there is so fake.
I won't let anyone close enough to hurt me anymore.

God produces Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control as the fruits in our lives.
With every Adversity it brings us closer to God make strengthens our Faith.
I will be stronger soon !

Okay, so this is the me right now...

&this, totally describes you.

& can anyone find something else that can be more adorable than this piggy here?!!!
it's so cuteeeeeeeeee, i want it so badly !

OINKOINK.

2011-06-08T12:14:00.003+08:00

How incorrigibly weak can i be?
Being so damn affected by the most minor thing, why am i not getting better at all?
These feelings are crippling, to the extent that i wept like there's no tomorrow, left work immediately, almost did something out of the world, and then ran a high fever afterwards.
I'm sick.
I'm becoming psychopathic.

I believe in love, but love failed me. I guess you just didn’t love me as much as i love you, as much as i see you like my world.
When you’re gone, its like as if you dug my heart out.
I knew you were the 'cause' of my fever and emotional breakdown, yet when i was feeling so uncomfortable yesterday, i was wishing so much that you were here with me.

2011-06-07T12:01:00.000+08:00

I read this somewhere and i think i can totally relate to it cos it's somewhat how our situation was like. This brought tears to my eyes...

Boy: I broke up with her.
His Best Friend: What happened?

Boy: She’s just too much for me.
His Best Friend: What makes you say that? What did she do wrong?

Boy: Well, for one.. She only cared about her appearance. Always had to look good, always took forever to get dressed! So insecure..
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she wanted to keep your eyes locked on her? She wanted you to see that you have the prettiest girl under your sleeve and not think otherwise? I see..

Boy: Oh.. Well.. She’d often call me or text me asking where I am, who I’m with, telling me not to smoke, not to drink. She’s so clingy!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she cares about your well being? Because she cares about you a lot? And her greatest fear is losing you. I see..

Boy: But.. Uhh.. Well, she’d always cry when I say something slightly mean. She can’t handle anything. She’s a crybaby!
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she has feelings? And because she just wanted to hear you say you love her? I see..

Boy: I.. Well! You know, she’d get jealous easily. I could barely talk to other girls! She’s so annoying! I had to hide it from her so she wouldn’t bitch about it.
His Best Friend: So, you broke her heart because she just wanted you to commit to her? She thought you were faithful, but you lied so she could find out later and hurt even more? She just wanted the guy she loves the most to love only her. I see..

Boy: Well, she's just overprotective and childish.
His Best Friend: You broke up with her because she’s good for you? She just wanted the best for you? She’s broken now because you were selfish. Are you proud?

Boy: I broke her heart.. Because I couldn’t see what was happening.. I fell for another girl, i don't know why too. I stilll love her but things cannot be the same anymore. I've hurt the girl i love so much... What happened to me?
His Best Friend: You lost the girl that loved you like no one else could. You see? You didn’t want her when all she ever wanted was you. THAT’S what happened.

Something just spoilt my mood and affected me so much.
I hate this feeling.
I hope i'll be better soon.

The next time i fall in love, i wanna fall for someone who will make me feel that loving him is the greatest decision i've ever made and not just another mistake.
For now, it's time to Stop.
Take a long long break, my heart cant take it anymore.

2011-06-06T12:56:00.001+08:00

Tiring weekend i had, now it's back to the boring weekdays, facing the lappy several hours till my back aches.
This week is gonna be a great one, i hope.
There's not much motivation, but im trying my bestesttttt.
Things would turn out fine in time to come.
Persevere.

When you lose someone; someone you love, when that person breaks your heart, it's the hardest thing you could ever go through. &no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away. You may think you're getting better, but then you get a flashback, or hear a song that reminds you of him, and it hits you all over again, all at once, like a stab in your chest. You fall apart, for the millionth time, and you feel like just disappearing into thin air and never come back. You love this person with all your heart, even though you know you shouldn't. He hurt you even worse than anyone who has hurt you before, he gave you happiness but then took it away. But yet, you still want him, and only him. Other people come along and give you chances to move on, but you know you don't want to.

It upsets you because you once promised him you wouldn't leave. And even if he broke all his promises, you still want to keep yours. On top of that, you're terrified. So afraid of getting hurt again. But it doesn't really matter anyway because at the end of the day, you're still thinking about the person who has left you completely broken. You don't wanna miss him anymore, you dont't wanna love him anymore, but you know you always will.

Anyway, for some reason Blogger is being a bitch and it doesn't show my previous posts now,
so here's the links to my posts for the first 2 days of June. For the earlier posts, they're in my archives.

*Clickclick*
For 2nd June 2011...
http://sugarliciousweetheart.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-have-been-frantically-trying-to.html

2 posts for 1st June 2011...

http://sugarliciousweetheart.blogspot.com/2011/06/currently-helping-out-in-my-aunties.html
http://sugarliciousweetheart.blogspot.com/2011/06/i-think-ive-kinda-adjusted-my-body.html

Prolly the word 'Slut'.

Our short-lived Happyness

2011-06-03T12:12:00.001+08:00

Our Short-lived Happyness

Goodbyes are the hardest, especially when it comes to bidding farewell to someone very important to you.

The past cannot be changed, erased, or amended. It can only be accepted. However unwilling i am to accept reality, at the end of it i know i still have to wake up. Let go and move on. Leave you alone. I don’t have the choosing power; Life isn’t fair, Circumstances aren’t giving me a choice, Time wouldn’t stop for me.

I’ve come to the point that i realize that i’ve done too much for someone, and the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave you alone, walk away. It’s not like im giving up or not trying anymore. It’s just that i have to draw the line between determination and desperation. It doesn’t make sense to let go of something that i have fought so hard for, but it also doesn’t make sense to hold on when there’s nothing there anymore.

Im trying hard not to cry over you anymore because every tear is just one reminder that i don’t know how to let you go. What’s truly mine, will find its way to me, and would eventually be mine. & what’s not, no matter how hard i try, will never be.

Dear A,

Thank you for everything. No matter what happens in the future, you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. Trust that you're in good hands now, you will be happy. My only wish is that from time to time i would still cross your mind. Bye Babysiddy, I love you..

Love,
B.

2011-06-02T11:54:00.000+08:00

I have been frantically trying to adjust my bedtimes for 3 nights now, turning in at what i would call 'unearthly timings' a week ago.
It's a good thing.
In the meantime, im planning for a short overseas trip with a few of my ex-classmates, hopefully the plan won't fail.
Well, at least now there is a little somethingggg that i can look forward to.

I have tried to leave you 100 times, i have failed 100 times.
This time, im gonna make it my first success.
I'm crossing my fingers.

Some self consolation done over here, ....
I remember my Student Care teacher once told me this, "If you want the rainbow, you must first embrace the rain."
It's been like slightly more than a decade already and i still remember what she said.
Guess at that time i would never have thought that i would put this sentence to use.
After i survive this mental turmoil, i'd be so much stronger.
So actually, i should thank the past for a better future, shouldn't i?

2011-06-01T22:24:00.001+08:00

Second post of the day, and it's a new month.
JUNE, PLEASE BE A BETTER MONTH.

I think i've kinda adjusted my body clock back to normal, like literally not a night owl anymore.
Great, another step taken to putting my life back in place.
Blending my forever-wondering thoughts is torturous.
So much has suffered my heart, how could i still be so willing to stay?
I think it's cos this time, i really Love..

Bad news, my attempt to quit school isnt successful damn it.
So out of free will, i reluctantly complied to the school's rule, and have decided to defer till next March.
Hopefully by that time i would have sorted out my thoughts and have the discipline to attend classes. Sian.
P.s. I failed all 3 modules for last semester, which means supplementary papers and remodules to come. Double sian.

Dear readers if you have concern for me please pray that i'll be able to get a job soon.
I have been wasting my mundane life away for quite some time already, and i really wanna keep myself busy so i'll not be depressed all the time.

On a side note...
The Hangover Part II is gonna be out tomorrow!!! *Wolf whistles*

2011-06-01T13:04:00.000+08:00

Currently helping out in my Auntie's office to learn the necessary office skills till i find a job.
It beats bumming around everyday and feeling depressed all the time.
The pain isn't subsiding at all, and i fucking hate it this way.

Have you ever had a person who appeared and then from that moment on your life is changed forever?
He did things no other person has ever done for you, leaving you so touched that you unknowingly fell head over heels for him.
He made you feel how Happiness was like again, making you have total Faith and Trust in him.
Life was full of Hope again.
& then one day, he Left.
That person made such an impact that no matter where you go, whatever you do, or if you hear anything that that person once said, you'll be reminded of him.
And then the memories just hit you repeatedly, every single day and night, leaving you on your knees.
There hasn't been a minute you aren't thinking of him.

I know it's Miss because it's how much i wish that you were right here with me.
I know it's Forgiveness because there is no hate nor thoughts of revenge.
I know it's Love because in the midst of all these, im still hoping that you're doing fine, wanting the best for you.
To the Boy who loves Mayonnaise so much and influenced me to start liking it too,
I miss you.

2011-05-31T12:41:00.004+08:00

Been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection these few days,
trying to clear my head; at the same time reminiscing both the good and bad times, smiling and crying to myself like a lifeless doll.
Sounds pretty much of a pointless drama, but yes it happens.
It's not getting anywhere yet, but at least i know im one step closer to moving on.
I just hope that this time would be different from the previous empty attempts, that it'll not be
a futile effort.

I love you, so i'd want you to be happy.
One day you'll realise i aint like what you think, and im hoping that the day would come really soon.
Although sad to say that your happiness isn't with me, i still wish to see you smile.
And maybe i'll be happy seeing you happy...

From Shih's camera, the rest on Fb.

@ Aranda CC in celebration of Jiajia's 17th.

How utterly sad.

2011-05-30T13:35:00.001+08:00

Does letting you know the truth matter?
Yes, but no.
Matters so much cos it really sucks to have you getting the wrong idea of me.
The whole world can doubt me but not you.
Like i've mentioned before, if there ever comes a day when you think im trying to do you harm,
think again.
Don't you remember?

Then again, why does it matter if after all these i still gotta let go?
Few months later or maybe not even a few, you would have forgotten about me.
And me, i've got no choice but to smile my way through the immerse pain.
Would you even bother to know? I think not.

Why is there such disappointment when you finally doubt/judge/hate me?
Maybe cos i thought you really knew me.
I thought that no matter what i did and how evil i seemed to be you would be able to look beyond that and tell me, "I know you better than this."

It's a good thing we came to this state now or else we wouldnt be able to let go right?
But i recall again, you claimed it was nothing but pity.
What then is the naked truth?
Do i have to know?
I do, but i dont.
How fucking fickle can i be, why can't i just pretend none of these happened and move on?

The urge of giving up on everything is getting more and more intense each day.
Sad to say, it's not the hope of a better future that's keeping me going.
It's the promise i made to you, saying i'll be strong, and i'll be keeping it.

2011-05-29T13:55:00.002+08:00

Should i have seen this coming?

I dont understand why destiny allowed us to meet when there's no way for us to be together.
So many things cooped up in my exploding mind now, i dont know where to begin with.
I should stop speculating and throwing myself endless questions which will not come to an end.

I didnt know how affected i could be because of the break up.
By you pushing me away, you pushed me into becoming somebody else.
Honestly, never did it cross my mind that you would have made such a big impact in my life.

Heartbreak is an odd kind of pain, because you are not dying, but you are dying.
You are not even sick.
You're perfectly fine yet you hurt so much that you cannot breathe.
You cant sleep unless you do drugs, and the tears just cant stop falling.
You may eat too much, you may not eat at all.
Anti-depressants become your best friend.
Non-smokers light up and non-drinkers find bars.
It makes the happiest person lose her genuine smile.
You start building walls around you, and make people get wrong ideas of you.
I think a broken heart is one of the world's greatest equalizer because
it can turn even the sweetest angel into a freaking devil.
Yeap, i guess this fully describes me now.

2011-05-27T13:53:00.000+08:00

The feeling that i get from you is so different now;
like so much colder, careless.
Sometimes i wonder why im even trying.

Where are you?
I cant seem to feel the real you anymore.
Are all these just a facade or are they just part of your plan to make me hate you?

Is there really a day when our hearts would beat as one again,
or is it just me who's wanting it?
What is it exactly that i want?!

2011-05-24T23:27:00.001+08:00

Whenever people ask if im okay, i'll say that i am.
That's cos it's what they want to hear.

If i were to say that im not alright, the most they would react would be to say,
"Don't think so much, cheer up."
But who are the people who really care?

Im so sick of feeling this way.
It's so hard to be strong.
Move On.
This is something that's so much easier said than done.

I could be feeling so shitty all day/night long,
but it's amazing how a few words from you would make me few a million times better.
Much as i hate to confess, you're still my everything.

Last Saturday's at Clarke Quay's Clinic with Renice and Gillian.

@ Helipad after drinking.

Yesterday's at J8's DTF to celebrate Yishih's 19th.
So 3/4 of Clique have turned 19, im the only 18 leftttt.
More photos in Shih's camera, uplolad once i receive.

2011-05-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

I am losing it.
I can't pretend that im okay anymore.
Fact is im not okay, i feel depressed every single fucking day.

I'm going insane.
I want to die.
I want to end the pain.

2011-05-23T13:03:00.000+08:00

Is there really a need for such worthless comparisons?
I think again and again, maybe not.
It's not about who's prettier, or who's richer.
Definitely not about who has a better character or who's more popular.
Because at the end of the day, what matters is the time spent, the moments shared, the irreplaceable memories.

What i had, were things the other person could never possibly have.
The planned meetup, the minute texting, the long teleconversations late at night, the first date, the waits, the chasing, the acceptance, the courtship, the simple bliss we both thought we would never have felt...

I miss the old times, what about you?
In this aspect, i think im much more fortunate than the other person.
But then again, mine had ended. The other's just started.

So who's better off?

"Is there really a need for such worthless comparisons?"

2011-05-22T23:18:00.002+08:00

Your happiest day(s), my saddest.

2011-05-21T15:11:00.000+08:00

Partying and staying out every weekend just to tire myself enough to fall asleep when i hit the sacks.
I dont wanna allow myself to let my thoughts run wild every single night, that's when one tends to feel more emotional and depressed.
It's like ive lost my soul.

Job interview(yes, finally) on Monday, im crossing my fingers that i'll be hired soon.
I want to be busy, like really busy, to the extent that i wont even have time to check my phone so constantly for the texts and missed calls which aren't there.

From Neverland around 2 weeks ago.

2011-05-20T13:39:00.000+08:00

Awaken by the horrid nightmares i have of you again.
It's the same thing almost every night, i wonder when the monster would decide to leave.
To hear your voice, it somehow comforts me.
Im glad to know you're alright, because for some reason, im just worried.

I'm tired of guessing what's going on in your head,
im tired of trying to decipher my own thoughts.
Im tired of not knowing why things have turned to become like that,
im sick of asking the same questions again everyday and repeating the same old stuff like a broken record.
I really dont know what to do, or why im even here.
God, please show me the wayyyy.

2011-05-19T23:21:00.000+08:00

Trying to get my life back, think ive wasted enough time doing absolutely nothing.
Rotting away isnt too fun a thing to do when it's become an everyday routine for one.
Sick of this.
I want a regulated life !
But all i do is complain and complain, without making much effort to get a job.
How much lazier and pickier can i get?
Screw myself, i gotta learn how to be more disciplined.

Emotional rollercoasters everyday are draining the last bit of me away.
I tell myself everyday, that no matter how much i change, i must not lose myself.
So i'll keep that little part of me that's left, and in the midst of communicating with the 'different' me, i'd still be myself in front of some of you.
to the friends whom i left but still stayed, thank you all.

When i cry, i cry.
When i fall for someone, i fall too hard.
People tell me im too intense when it comes to emotions,
& i'd do anything to be around you.
I am not perfect, and i always get insecure, i think im not good enough for you.
I may have uncountable flaws but i love you better than anyone else ever could.
I love you more than anyone else ever will.

Last week's !

2011-05-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

So after much of a mental struggle, i've finally decided to stop schooling.
mainly cos i know im not in the mood to be in classes, listening to lectures which im not in the least interested in.and i also know i'll be skipping all the time, only to drop by once in a blue moon.
this wont get me anywhere, but would only be a waste of more money.
and now this bummer is trying hard(not) to find a decent job to at least feed the forever-growling tummy.

Things are not getting any better, in fact they're getting more complicated by the day.
I dont know what im doing anymore.
Yes, ive become a different person and have been acting out of sorts, but thats cos of the shit ive went through and am going through.
And all of you who doesnt know the exact situation, you should just shut it and keep your comments to yourselves.

Random from these few days.

2011-05-08T20:02:00.000+08:00

"The first gesture was to touch the flower on your head..
You stopped pinning ribbons and flowers because of me."

Baby, you forgot to say you said it was cute.
I'll never forget what we shared, i hope you wont too.
I love you, & im sorry.

2011-05-07T01:41:00.002+08:00

The girl who seemed unbreakable, broke.
The girl who never stopped trying, gave up.
She dropped her fake strong front, and a tear rolled down her cheek.

And then she whispered to herself, "I cant do this anymore..."

2011-05-05T23:00:00.004+08:00

So the confused girl is still trying to get her life back in place.

nothing is going well for me, and it's getting harder everyday.
one moment i want this, and the next moment i want that.
i cannot decide what i wanna do and where i wanna belong.
it sucks being so out of place, i feel so frustrated with myself all the time.

i pray that i'll be strong and pull through this 'ordeal',
and i wish so much that my life would be at least normal again.

Today's at 313's Dtf with Michelle, (:

I had my nails painted, and they're in Pokeball design.(L)

@ Club July around a fortnight ago,

2011-05-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

I feel like im losing myself already.

Here's a part from the video, Strangers Again, and i just feel that it was such a pity...
You and I.... Sigh.

"Within our relationship, we need to understand that it’s not all about fun and games. Sometimes we will go through tough times. Times that will deliberately push us to the limit of our breaking point. It’s not that we don’t want it to happen, it just does. All we can ever do is fight for what we have. Don’t let is slip away this easy because you never know that what you have right now may be the best you’ll ever see. Show them how much worth they have to you, show them you’re not ready to let go, show them you’re not going to let go.

Though you may be going through this downhill stage in your relationship, always remember to fight. It’s the effort that counts. Remind them why you love them, remember the times where you were at your happiest. Bring back those memories to where you made them last. The butterflies, the smiles, the love. All you can ever do is prove to them how much you love them. Don’t let go so easily, bring back that joy into your relationship. I know how much you really do love to see them smile. Don’t you miss the way they smiled at you? If so, please don’t let go. This relationship of yours is worth too much to throw away. Make it last. And always remember that you’ll do anything just for a shot of their love. "

....I did everything i could.

2011-05-03T22:50:00.001+08:00

Today was.......
i dont know, but, hard might be the word to describe.
spent the day thinking through lotsa stuff,
wondering if the decision made was right.
i thought i had gotten over it but.....
it hurts, im so heartless, but i guess its for the best.
),:

Okay, pictures as promised some time ago.
taken a month ago, before going for Kishen's birthday celebration.

When i had my purple hair,

went so wrong.(:

Ages ago before i had my extensions done, when i was still a happy girl...

Well, i guess i told you afterall.

& your reaction, was exactly like what i had foreseen.
thats why i chose to hide it from you, i hope you understand why i did that.

Everything i do, i take you into consideration, so if you ever think that im trying to do you harm, please think twice.

2011-05-02T20:40:00.001+08:00

For the past 2 months or so ive been trying so hard, in fact doing everything i can, in the hope that the tables would turn.
Things that happened really pushed me to the limits, and ive never thought i could take all that.
I was so lost and i didnt know how to react when you left.
I did things that ive never thought of doing before, said things which would never have came out from my mouth in the past, and behaved like an entirely different person altogether.
My life was in a mess, in fact it still is.

Though whatever i did was wrong, but i did all that to make myself feel a lil better.
Im not sure how life is gonna be like for me from now on, but i promise you i'll try my best.
Ive been so tired, and all the hiding and criticism are exhasting.
I think it's time, one party has to sacrifice.
Ive had enough for now, so be rest assured that i'll be alone for the meantime.(if you get what i mean)
I need a break from all overwhelming emotions.

I forgive, because i still want you in my life.
Love isnt possession.
I love you, so i'd want you to be happy.
Although i hate to say it, but i guess you're gonna be good with her, since youve got plans ahead already.
All the best, i'll be seeing you...

2011-04-29T22:27:00.001+08:00

2011-04-28T23:05:00.001+08:00

What you said just now, really hurt me so much.
It's like my heart pronounced itself dead.

2011-04-26T22:48:00.001+08:00

2011-04-25T23:02:00.000+08:00

2011-04-24T03:10:00.001+08:00

2011-04-21T21:55:00.000+08:00

2011-04-19T22:17:00.002+08:00

Why?

i ask myself that too.

2011-04-17T23:49:00.000+08:00

2011-04-16T23:11:00.001+08:00

2011-04-14T21:37:00.000+08:00

2011-04-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

What if, we switched positions?

2011-04-12T21:28:00.000+08:00

2011-04-11T21:24:00.002+08:00

I kinda feel happy at times when.......
but then the next thing i know i see something that crushes me.
fml.

Dont trust too much.
Dont love too much.
Dont hope too much,
because that too much will hurt you so much.

Will have a proper update with photos soon.
My life is still, sad to say, in a complete mess.

2011-04-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

2011-04-04T19:01:00.003+08:00

You can say whatever you want.
i dont care at all.
Why?
cos only the both of us understand.
none of you are in this, thus it makes it so easy for you guys to comment.
but when it comes to putting what you say into action,
you'll realize it aint that simple afterall.

Look, im just doing things to make myself feel happier.
right or wrong, it doesnt matter.
I may be stupid and stubborn,
but at least im unwilling to give up on that little insignificant glimpse of hope.

2011-04-03T22:54:00.001+08:00

2011-03-31T22:23:00.004+08:00

Maybe its cos of this, maybe its cos of that.
does it matter anymore at this point in time?
No.

i dont want to know for nuts.
this is insane.
this is killing me.

Hurt. Pain. Heartache. Tears.
everyday im begging God to take it all away.

How much i wish that im healing but im not.
Time.
But, how long? ):

You know it hurts to know how happy your ex and his new girl are together,
what they are doing and where they are having fun at...
You just feel so uncomfortable, so uneasy.

Because you used to be that girl.

2011-03-30T23:35:00.001+08:00

I find it so amusing that i was so naive, or maybe its just the people who are so fake.
When you're one of those people who are mutual friends of two parties of a broken relationship, you really shouldnt take sides or give comments that you know you dont really mean.

Like hello???
telling me one thing and then the next moment you do another thing.
complimenting me, saying how nice a girl i am, acting all nice and friendly....
and when me and him are officially over, immediately have a drastic change in attitude towards me.

next, i have people telling me how unworthy he is and badmouthing him.
then go up to him and show that they are happy for him for whatever the new situation is.
calling me to tell me about him, calling him to tell him about me.

and now, being thought of as a bitch who is doing everything i can to attract his attention, this makes me feel so insulted.
my fault for being so hysterical all the time, its no wonder you people think this way.
well, i guess none of you or even you understand how im feeling now.
& i thought you knew me, trusted me.
Bullshit.

and im like thinking to myself, what the fook has this thing gotta do with any of you-.-
please, leave it alone already.
OK?!!!

I dont know if i should laugh or should i feel stupid.
Hypocrisy at its best.(Y)

Brenda Yap, welcome to reality.

2011-03-25T22:31:00.000+08:00

2011-03-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

2011-03-22T21:09:00.002+08:00

2011-03-21T21:50:00.002+08:00

Today must have been the happiest day ive had since some time ago.
I missed those moments with you when there were only the two of us.

2011-03-19T23:58:00.000+08:00

Where were you when i needed you the most?

2011-03-17T21:08:00.002+08:00

THIS. is my new hair colour. stunning much?

A month. Fml.

2011-03-16T21:44:00.001+08:00

I erased your number to forget the pain of yesterday but now,
im waiting for a text or call from an unregistered number that only my heart can remember.

2011-03-15T22:53:00.002+08:00

YOU.
made me lose hope, trust and faith in everything.
made me HATE for the first time in my life.

You wanna see where life takes you to?
i'll tell you, it will take you to the grave.
I'll be seeing you.

2011-03-07T21:22:00.001+08:00

In a state of severe depression.

Goodbye my Love...

2011-03-06T23:02:00.002+08:00

Keeping myself "busy" does not make me feel any better.
i just realised it.

Prayers.
will they work?

Thank you everyone who have been treating and paying for me for the past 2 weeks.
i hope money falls from the sky now.
i wont put my hopes on the lottery anymore. Sigh.

I'm so lost without you.

Yesterday's.

Eccedentesiast. - A person who fakes a smile.

2011-03-05T23:10:00.003+08:00

Every passing day is like a living hell for me.
I have already conveyed my message to you, there's nothing else i can do but wait.
I dont know how you are, or what you've been doing, it kills me more each minute.
I really wonder, am i worth so little to you that you can just throw me away like that?
I'm not happy without you.
I AM NOT.

if i could have just one wish, i'd want to have you back.
i really miss you, Baby. so fucking much.

2011-03-04T23:43:00.003+08:00

I guess it's time i tried to get back on track already.
You'll feel better if i live better for you right?
today i met my girls at town.
Kbox with with Yishih, Lina and Rachel.
sad songs are still the best, they never fail to describe the mixed undescribable feelings inside me.
met Sandra and Amanda after K session, and headed to 313's DTF for dinner.
i ate a lot lesser than what i normally would eat.
guess my appetite still hasnt decided to come back.
wellsssssssss, shall take a step at a time now.

Thanks for the company,
love every one of you much. (:
pictures up when i get em.

Here's from my phone's front camera...

Here's from a few days ago...

When im sad, i SPLURGE.

after holding back and saving for the past 9 mths,

i finally shopped again.

stupid i know, but other than You, nothing else delights me.

2011-03-03T20:53:00.001+08:00

"Never regret anything you do because at that point of time, it was exactly what you wanted." - Words that i plan to live with for the rest of my life.

Some of you may not understand how im feeling,
cos you're not me.
But know that whatever i do now,
i've given em thought.
And i think they make me feel better.
i want nothing but your support now.

It's hard, but not impossible.
i wont stop trying, i'll give it my all.(:

Pictures from some time ago,

A part of me wants an answer, but a part of me doesn’t want to know. A part of me wants to keep holding on, but a part of me wants to let you go, cos you seem happier without me.